I used to think that being a control-freak was about deflecting the failure to control my inner world onto the outer world. That I could not control or accept my deepest feelings, so I ignored them and focused on gaining control in the external world.
I have since realised the exact opposite is true.
It was this inner control that was reflected in my being a control freak in the physical.
I had so much desire to have complete control over emotional expression, and that was what was reflected in my outer world. I had to control every aspect of my life, my emotions, feelings, external events. All of it.
Since allowing myself to release some of this control I have come to fully understand the second part of the saying “As above, so below. As within, so without”.
As I have allowed myself to surrender to all aspects of life, I have allowed myself to feel deep emotions and feelings, to accept myself as an emotional person, as well as the emotions themselves. This has lead to amazingly deep and fulfilling healing. Hard, but worth it.
I have also noticed that the more I delve into my inner world, the more relaxed I am in the outer.
Or perhaps, it is the opposite. The more I release control of my external world and realise that I have no control over the physical, the more my internal is able to bubble up to be dealt with. The more I realise I have no control other than the choices I make in the moment, I discover that I have the strength to face my issues and heal them through unconditional love and acceptance of what is.
Either way, I am now accepting my emotions and dealing with them, which in turn is allowing me to go with the flow more.
I am finding truth in the idea of strength in vulnerability.
Being vulnerable to your emotions is to allow life to flow and yourself to be in the present. This also encourages you to make decisions in the moment based on what is real, and not from your repressed pain or fear.
Attempting to control any aspect of your life is to stop the flow. It puts limitations on your potential. It keeps you stuck in past patterns and programs, doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.
Being a control-freak is a sign of an intense internal battle, not a weak mind or heart.
As above, so below. As within, so without.