Sometimes I feel like I take 3 steps forward, only to take 5 steps back again.
I’ve been feeling great of late, healing and dealing my trauma and moving forward to the person I always dreamed I could be.
Last week I had an amazing moment where I owned my empathy. A colleague came over to sort out lessons for my class, all frustrated and snippy, and before long I was feeling it. I asked him to give me a second and I silently collected myself and sent his emotion back to him, sent him love and moved on. I felt totally accomplished!
It seemed my hard work was paying off.
Then today, I’m back to getting annoyed at stupid drivers, taking other people’s moods personally and letting students get to me. By last period, I was in an empty classroom soaking up the silence, because it was that or break down in tears. I thought the silent classroom the better alternative.
By the time my last period had started, I felt semi normal and by the time I got home I was happy again, content with my surroundings and myself.
So, I probably shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I had an emotional moment, I found a way to disconnect, even if it meant leaving the situation entirely, release the emotion and ground. I didn’t take it out on the kids in my last class, my colleagues, or myself for any extended period.
Looking at it in hindsight, I realise I handled it pretty well. When I started writing this, I was annoyed with myself for letting it happen in the first place. Now, I’m seeing it differently and am proud that I used the tools I have to centre myself and release the negativity.
Now, I realise that I got this, and I must say, I’m a little pleased with myself. The old me would have carried it for days, overeating, distracting myself with meaningless TV or video games, scrolling endlessly through social media, basically found any other way to self-harm short of picking up a razor blade. Maybe even revelling in the victimhood a little. The new me realises it isn’t personal, finds solutions to getting myself back on track and moving forward.
So, maybe I’m not doomed after all…