What a bloody roller coaster of a month! Yes, it has probably been that long since I blogged…
Over the last month I have had a lot going on – I’ve lost friendships, realised I was changing who I was (yet again!) to fit someone else’s ideals, realised that anxiety may be more of a problem for me than I realise and stood up for myself and said ‘no’ to a situation and felt amazing for it.
Maybe each of these could be a blog within itself.
I guess, the point of this blog is to reconnect with my creativity in writing, to reconnect with me. As I have said, I spent a lot of this year moulding who I was to be accepted by other people, people who turned out not the be worth my time.
I was whole, complete and at peace, and I made myself lose this just to fit someone’s unspoken expectations. I stopped doing friendship my way – out of love/want rather than attachment/need – and did it their way, complete with the attachment and conditions I had grown out of. It seems there were more lessons in this for me to learn.
And I now realise I had learned what complete independence means: the full reliance on yourself for everything you need. You stop looking to others to fulfil your needs. You stop asking others to accept and approve of you. You don’t need them in your life, you want them in it, because they add value to your life in some way.
This independence must have been too much for these people to bear, as I was labelled ‘hot and cold’ in my approach to this friendship. I allowed this statement to affect my perception of myself and to think that I was doing friendships ‘wrong’.
I now realise that this person was attached to me, as if I would heal her in some way. And, 6 months before this I would have. I would have given all of myself to help her, to try to heal her, and ended up exhausted. She was unfortunately a few months too late.
I did get embroiled in this attachment, I won’t lie. But, I am happy in the fact that it was only for 2 months, not 12, or longer. I must be assimilating some things!!
Anyway, this is an attempt to get back to me, to get back to wholeness and peace. To reconnect with who I am, with that state of independence. To honour my creativity and to relearn to love myself.
I hope it works. 😁