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Today is my Birthday…

Today is my birthday.

I find myself wondering who will message me and who will remember and whether they will ring or send a message or actually come and visit etc etc.

I have even hidden my birthday on social media as a ‘test’ to see who I matter enough to for them to remember. I now realise that this post will be sent to my social media, thus defeating the purpose, but hindsight is amazing, isn’t it?

What it boils down to is me attributing my worth as a human being to how many messages I get for my birthday. As if I am ‘less than’ if I don’t get as many messages as I feel I am worthy of.

And how many is that? 50? 100??

And why does it matter more to hear from people on my birthday when I don’t hear from them at any other time of the year? This doesn’t necessarily mean I matter, it means they can remember someone’s birthday. In fact, I have had trouble remembering the exact day of my best friend’s birthday since we met 12 years ago. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t matter, it means I can’t remember if it’s the 30th or 31st. It’s more a matter of remembering if it’s the last or second last day of that month, because some have 30 days and others 31. It’s not about her at all. I love and appreciate her every day and I hope she knows it. Or maybe I have this backward and she matters enough for me to even question this?

Why do we, as a society, put so much emphasis on external validation? That’s what this is about, external validation. The more messages I get, the more validated I am as a human being, the more I am influencing other people’s lives, the more I feel I am worthy to take up the space I do in this planet.

It’s time for me to turn my validation inward.

I matter to me. I matter because I exist and I exist because I matter. I am important to me.

The rest is icing on the birthday cake.

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Learning to let go and accept… again…

I have this nasty habit of trying to teach people to be better, of trying to highlight other people’s problems to them in an effort to get them to see these and fix them. It’s as if I have taken on the responsibility of their growth for myself and put all of my energy into getting them to be better people.

It’s a natural part of me for a few reasons: I am a natural born teacher, not just by trade; I am a ruling 4, which are the natural helpers and doers of the world; and, I know just how beneficial personal growth can be because I’ve done a lot of it already.

It seems a part of my growth is still to let go and accept people for who they are in any given moment. It also stands to reason, as one of my karmic lessons is the 4, but learning when to give my help and when to step back is still a major block for me.

I have recently had the opportunity to work on this area again. I wont go into too much personal detail here, but suffice to say, I saw someone struggling and doing things in a way that wasn’t for their highest or best good and tried to get them to see this and change.

All it ended up doing was causing strain within the relationship and exhaustion within myself.

So, I’ve let it go. I have accepted that sometimes people just don’t want to let go of their baggage and all I need to do is be there and support them when and if they ask for it. I have learned that sometimes people just need unconditional love and acceptance of who and where they are in this moment. I have also learned to ‘choose my battles’, especially to discern whether the battle is even mine in the first place.

Sometimes the only thing a person can do is plant a seed. It is up to the other people whether is grows or not.