Today is my birthday.
I find myself wondering who will message me and who will remember and whether they will ring or send a message or actually come and visit etc etc.
I have even hidden my birthday on social media as a ‘test’ to see who I matter enough to for them to remember. I now realise that this post will be sent to my social media, thus defeating the purpose, but hindsight is amazing, isn’t it?
What it boils down to is me attributing my worth as a human being to how many messages I get for my birthday. As if I am ‘less than’ if I don’t get as many messages as I feel I am worthy of.
And how many is that? 50? 100??
And why does it matter more to hear from people on my birthday when I don’t hear from them at any other time of the year? This doesn’t necessarily mean I matter, it means they can remember someone’s birthday. In fact, I have had trouble remembering the exact day of my best friend’s birthday since we met 12 years ago. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t matter, it means I can’t remember if it’s the 30th or 31st. It’s more a matter of remembering if it’s the last or second last day of that month, because some have 30 days and others 31. It’s not about her at all. I love and appreciate her every day and I hope she knows it. Or maybe I have this backward and she matters enough for me to even question this?
Why do we, as a society, put so much emphasis on external validation? That’s what this is about, external validation. The more messages I get, the more validated I am as a human being, the more I am influencing other people’s lives, the more I feel I am worthy to take up the space I do in this planet.
It’s time for me to turn my validation inward.
I matter to me. I matter because I exist and I exist because I matter. I am important to me.
The rest is icing on the birthday cake.