What Women Want

I’ve been hearing a lot this past couple of years about how men don’t know what women want anymore.

I just thought it might be a good time to come right out and tell you what most women want to clear up the confusion. Here goes…

First and foremost, we want to be treated with the respect due to any human being on this planet. If this concept is foreign, then there is one basic question to ask yourself before interacting with any woman – would I do/say this to my mates? If the answer is no, then probably rethink your behaviour. I hesitate to use the comparison with ‘mates’ because I know men and women interact differently to each other in groups, but I’ll stick to it because I feel like if you wouldn’t pinch your mate on the arse or kiss your mate without asking, then this probably applies more so than a comparison to say, your Nan. Of course you would never do those things to your Nan, but I feel as if the mates thing might bring it home clearer. Besides, you shouldn’t have to have a ‘special’ relationship with a woman to have basic respect for us.

Secondly, we want to be heard! Don’t talk over us and explain things from your perspective. Just listen to our life experience and accept it as our experience. We don’t want you to fix anything. Just listen.

Thirdly, communicate! If you don’t know something, ask! Especially when it comes to sex!! It isn’t a sign of inexperience to ask a woman what she likes. In fact, it shows that you understand women enough to know we are all different and that you are interested in us as human beings and our pleasure enough to take the time to learn! There is strength in vulnerability here. Trust me, no one wins I’d you don’t take the time to talk about the stuff that really matters.

Another important thing to consider is that we don’t need your money, we need your support. Now, we can pretty much provide for ourselves financially, we are often rarely in situations where we need physical protection from animals or invading tribes and we can generally look after ourselves. What we really need is your love, your support when we aren’t feeling our best, and your help. If we are having a bad day, just listen (yes we covered this one already, but this is more about in a partnership than random interactions). You don’t need to fix anything. No one needs to be killed or punished. There is no vengeance needed here. Just let us cry on your shoulder, without judgement, and share our woes. We do the same for you.

Five: back to the help thing. This is again in relation to a partnership situation. You live in the house too, you helped create the children and presumably wanted them too. Do your share without being asked! This might mean you have a conversation with us about who does what, which is even better, because then we both have ownership over our roles!! For more help here, read Eve Rodsky’s book, Fair Play. It will explain terms such as ‘emotional labour’ and it even gives you a fun way to divide the jobs!

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it is a start. I guess the nuances will come out if you follow the third suggestion.

What it really comes down to, if I nutshell it for you, is if you aren’t being respectful, supportive and cooperative, then you really need to rethink your approach.

Book Review: The Naked Witch

I have recently been exploring Witchcraft again in earnest. It is probably the only path that resonates with my soul, that feels right.

Along the way I was reminded of Fiona Horne’s books. I checked the local libraries and found a few stocked her books, including a new autobiography called The Naked Witch. I didn’t really want to learn about her life, more about the practice of witchcraft in an effort to understand the practicalities of it – more on this later.

Still, I found myself compelled to go to the library that afternoon and borrow it. I can’t say I had any thought processes in this. It was just something I had to do. It’s weird when your intuition is so loud you can’t hear your own ego-monkey-mind!

And I am glad I did! Her story resonated with me on such a deep level, I found myself unable to put it down. For the first time in my life I read an entire book in a day! Luckily I had nowhere to be…

Her story so resonated with my own story of abuse on many levels it was uncanny. The resultant patterns and programs were almost identical too! I can’t say how reassuring it was for me to hear someone else went through something similar to me and came out thriving.

There wasn’t much on the actual practice of witchcraft, she has other books for that, but one main truth was made clear to me – at its fundamental level, Witchcraft is about a reverence for and connection to nature. Simple.

I am not going to go too much into the specifics of this book, as I feel it should be read with an open-mind. Also, spoilers! I hate ruining surprises for people…

If you are looking for an easy, yet informative read, then this is a great book. It is the perfect book for highlighting what our egos are capable of making us do, but also that an honest look at ourselves can help us to get out of its grip. It is an excellent book for anyone dealing with childhood trauma, especially for those who (like me) believe that ‘it could have been worse’. And yes, it could have been worse for a lot of people, but that doesn’t mean our own pain and resultant negative patterns are any less important. We don’t have to down-play our own pain because someone ‘had it worse’.

This is the story of an average Australian woman just trying to find herself and her place in the world, after being told she doesn’t deserve one. The story of a woman desperately seeking the approval she never got growing up, and the realisations that lead her out of that destructive pattern. It is a story of growth and triumph that will empower you to do the same. It has done for me.

Masculinity in the 21st Century

It seems my views on masculinity have changed of late. Very recently in fact.

Last week, I was holidaying in Byron Bay and it would seem that there are a lot of tanned, muscular men who don’t own shirts living there.

A couple of months ago, last week even, this would have awakened a deep desire in me that my lack of self-confidence would never have allowed me to explore.

This time though, there was none of that automatic attraction. None of that lustful desire I have always felt.

It took me a few minutes to realise why.

Over Christmas I have been listening to a podcast by a very knowledgeable and down to earth woman by the name of Rebecca Dettman, called Soul Doctor. The specific podcasts were a two-parter on the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine, the second of which talks about the current perception of masculinity as the warrior archetype and how it leads to Manorexia (as she puts it).

It became obvious that there is just as much push from women for men to embody this role of muscular warrior as there is from men for women to be the skinny, beautiful model. This is a sweeping generalisation, but looking at society it’s hard not to make it when that is all we see portrayed on TV, movies and in magazines.

As I looked around the crowd of people enjoying some Saturday afternoon music on the beach, it struck me that many of these men worked hard to become this type of man. Very hard. Did they do it in an attempt to meet society’s expectations? They would probably never admit it, even if they were self-aware enough to see it. Sure, for some it is the expression of their true self, but for many it is a forced lifestyle that can lead to steroids, or worse, in an effort to keep up. They too are under enormous pressure to be a certain way and it was heartbreaking.

It was a major realisation that ‘muscular’ no longer guaranteed ‘masculinity’ for me. It is no longer a healthy archetype to apply to all men, and probably never was.

For me, the question is what does the Divine Masculine look like now, if it ‘looks’ like anything at all?

I think it, like the Divine Feminine, lies in a person’s awareness of who they are as a person, an ability to be truly intimate and vulnerable, to learn and grow from life’s experiences and just BE. Just be themselves. Their true selves. With an understanding that the feminine and masculine reside in us all. It is our job to balance both and see what this means for us.

And it is time society started giving us the space in which to explore our own masculinity and femininity for ourselves. We also need to stop dictating to men and women who they should be and how they should express themselves. Stop telling boys not to cry and girls they aren’t brave enough. Stop telling boys and men they need to be physically strong and girls and women that they need to be petit.

Let each person work it out for themselves and give them the space and opportunity to do so, and when they do, the freedom to express it.

In this, we can finally learn to access and express our own divinity.

Changing of the Guard

My first spiritual experience with an actual Goddess was with none other than Kali. Strong, yet loving, you could not hide from her. She found your blocks and illusions and destroyed them. She is a tough love kind of woman.

 

From about October last year I felt a little disconnected from her. I’d call, but not feel her presence as strongly, if at all. At the time I berated myself for not giving time to the relationship or not being open enough or relaxed enough or spiritually aware enough. It was a tough time, as 2016 was a bitch of a year I never want to go through again, despite being oddly grateful for it. I never once felt abandoned by her, instead feeling it was something I was doing wrong in trying to communicate with her as I once did. Sure, I had changed a lot, but I didn’t think this would be why I could no longer feel our connection.

Then, one fine day I went to a lodge, a sweat lodge with a spiritual twist. This day I decided to sit in the west, the hottest section of the lodge, for the first time. It wasn’t that hot outside and I felt it was an acceptable challenge. I had no other expectation other than to see it through. I did this and much more.

During a certain part of the lodge, connected to the element of earth, I was given an image of the Empress card from the Mythic Tarot. I knew instantly who it was and invited her into my experience. I felt her with me, folding her arms around me, giving me the nurturing and love that I needed to get through the experience. Demeter had arrived to guide me and nurture me through what I would later realize to not only include that day’s experience, but the next phase of my life.

So, it seems I have jumped Pantheons, not that it matters really. Kali arrived when I needed a strong female presence to destroy the persona and illusions I had built for myself, the walls I used as a defense mechanism and banish the demons from my soul. Now, Demeter has arrived to show me a softer version of the divine feminine, that there is strength in stillness and vulnerability and to nurture my true self out of her cocoon and into the world. I am not quite birthed, nor are some of the projects that have arisen in the last 6 months, but the end is in sight and with Kali’s foundation and Demeter’s nurturing, I know I’ll be alright.