I have been immersing myself in feminist content of late in an attempt to become more educated and to articulate my experiences better. I’ve been reading books written by feminist authors about issues effecting women. I’ve been listening to a few feminist podcasts. This has lead me to a lot of time spent on introspection and thinking about my experiences and the one thing I have decided is that I don’t hate men.
I fear them.
It is my immediate default. Threat response. At least until I have assessed the situation and deemed myself safe, created a few escape scenarios in my head or have been among trusted friends who I can trust to keep me safe.
Sometimes it has been intuitive, that little voice saying ‘be careful, don’t trust this guy.’ I have ignored this voice at least once as an adult and paid the price.
But the rest I feel is socialisation. As a girl I was taught that boys are only after one thing and they will do anything to get it. How’s that for rape culture?
I was also taught the contradicting behaviours of people pleaser and personal responsibility. I was supposed to make sure I didn’t offend anyone, but if I did it was my fault. I was supposed to make sure everyone on my life was happy, but if I was raped it was because I had provoked it. Be pleading to men, but not do pleasing that they lose control and rape you.
How fucked up is that?
So, when I was 9 and approached by an elderly man on the street as I made my way to school, I was simultaneously pleasing him by accepting his hand and assessing safety zones. AT 9!
My intuition screamed that day too, but my socialisation overrode that. ‘Don’t be a bitch, say hello. Accept his hand or he might get offended.’
I did, felt his middle finger caressing the inside of my palm, pulled away and ran for the take away shop.
It was less than a ten minute walk from my house.
This is the first of many stories where a man has made me feel uncomfortable or down right fearful of my safety. Where a man has made me feel powerless in my own body.
Yet, I don’t hate men. I fear them. And the next time a woman says she hates or fears men, instead of becoming defensive, ask her why.
And listen.
Mystical Vegan 